and i'm just not that strong
...nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. from Romans 8:39.
I long to be in the presence of the Lord and when I am not, I am grumpy. I feel like I can't make my life too simple right now.
This week, several intercessors who I don't know very well came to my house and prayed for me. I know them by reputation, and I trusted and asked God to lead their prayers for me. It's been a long time since anyone has prayed for me like that. You know, the kind of intercession that makes you weep because the Lord is such a part of it. We all need it.
He used them amazingly in my life, and reminded me of why I love to intercede for others. The pictures, the passages they prayed with...only God would have known what they meant to me. I have been wrestling with where God want to use me in the Kingdom, how He would want to use me. They reminded me I belong to the Lord, not to any church, not to any person. That He is jealous for me, will not let me be controlled by anyone. That He sets the boundaries for my life and my calling. I can't tell you how freeing it was to hear those simple, strong truths about God.
These intercessors also hit on something else. As I shared about this past year and the trials of having a brother in prison, they listened. But when they prayed, they asked God to take away the false responsibility I held to, in being strong for everyone else, for a guardian spirit that was trying to do what only God could do.
I could have disagreed. But as they prayed, it opened a floodgate in me. I do feel responsible. I do feel I have to be strong. One of the first things my brother asked me to do in prison was to be there for his wife and children. I have failed at this a lot. And I can't protect him. None of these thoughts are conscious but buried within me, suppressed in the "knowledge" I have to be strong. I cried and cried as Jesus just took away this responsibility. So freeing.
The last time I saw my brother, we talked through glass on a phone. His children were sitting behind me, as we rotated the phone every 20 minutes during the 2 hour long visit. As he talked to me, his eyes went to his children, again and again. I could not let my mind, my heart go there. To think of what it would be like to see your children and not be able to touch them in the last 9 months. To know it could be years before that's a possibility again.
In those moments I feel I have to be strong. But what I really need is to come undone. Unfortunately it can't really be planned in a busy schedule. I can't say, "Steve, I'll be upstairs coming undone for the week - can you get dinner?" Not that he wouldn't be okay with that...
I know I have to give up being strong. We all do. My days of grieving aren't over, but the underlying grief and loneliness I have felt this past year are over. Jesus has taken it away. He has freed me from it.
Comfort, comfort my people,
says your God.
Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and proclaim to her
that her warfare is over,
that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the LORD's hand,
double for all her sins.
Isaiah 40:1-2
I long to be in the presence of the Lord and when I am not, I am grumpy. I feel like I can't make my life too simple right now.
This week, several intercessors who I don't know very well came to my house and prayed for me. I know them by reputation, and I trusted and asked God to lead their prayers for me. It's been a long time since anyone has prayed for me like that. You know, the kind of intercession that makes you weep because the Lord is such a part of it. We all need it.
He used them amazingly in my life, and reminded me of why I love to intercede for others. The pictures, the passages they prayed with...only God would have known what they meant to me. I have been wrestling with where God want to use me in the Kingdom, how He would want to use me. They reminded me I belong to the Lord, not to any church, not to any person. That He is jealous for me, will not let me be controlled by anyone. That He sets the boundaries for my life and my calling. I can't tell you how freeing it was to hear those simple, strong truths about God.
These intercessors also hit on something else. As I shared about this past year and the trials of having a brother in prison, they listened. But when they prayed, they asked God to take away the false responsibility I held to, in being strong for everyone else, for a guardian spirit that was trying to do what only God could do.
I could have disagreed. But as they prayed, it opened a floodgate in me. I do feel responsible. I do feel I have to be strong. One of the first things my brother asked me to do in prison was to be there for his wife and children. I have failed at this a lot. And I can't protect him. None of these thoughts are conscious but buried within me, suppressed in the "knowledge" I have to be strong. I cried and cried as Jesus just took away this responsibility. So freeing.
The last time I saw my brother, we talked through glass on a phone. His children were sitting behind me, as we rotated the phone every 20 minutes during the 2 hour long visit. As he talked to me, his eyes went to his children, again and again. I could not let my mind, my heart go there. To think of what it would be like to see your children and not be able to touch them in the last 9 months. To know it could be years before that's a possibility again.
In those moments I feel I have to be strong. But what I really need is to come undone. Unfortunately it can't really be planned in a busy schedule. I can't say, "Steve, I'll be upstairs coming undone for the week - can you get dinner?" Not that he wouldn't be okay with that...
I know I have to give up being strong. We all do. My days of grieving aren't over, but the underlying grief and loneliness I have felt this past year are over. Jesus has taken it away. He has freed me from it.
Comfort, comfort my people,
says your God.
Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and proclaim to her
that her warfare is over,
that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the LORD's hand,
double for all her sins.
Isaiah 40:1-2