knit my heart
I'll look on You,
and sing a song, sing a song.
Your name on me,
You light up my heart,
You light up my heart.
The birthday card comes in the mail from the Garza East Prison unit and I recognize my brother Tim's handwriting. With all his letters, I first feel hope at the sight of them and then my heart drops. I put it on the desk. I want to read it. I don't want to read it. I don't want to think about him being in prison.
It's a cheesy card with a painted sailboat on the cover. The card selection in prison isn't all that. He writes that he's just happy it is a birthday card. So am I.
His letters from prison are mostly deliberate; he has a lot of time to think of what to say. Sometimes they are disturbingly funny as he shares prison lingo or recipes made from vending machine food. But I hear the voice underneath the jokes. I know it's hell there.
I can tell he has prayed about what to say in this card to me. I know he fears for his safety and it's always a real possibility where he is, in the general population of Garza East in Beeville. It's not a nice Martha Stewart prison, he isn't living the life like the father on Arrested Development, kicking back in his bunk eating ice cream, thinking up spiritual tomes.
He writes and thanks me for a time we shared right after he was first arrested. "I often think," he writes, "of how you came and picked me up and took me to the movies in Austin. That was one of the acts of kindness and love that saved my life. At that point I was really done with this world but you helped me to see that I was still loved and valued by my family and others."
I put the card down at that point and I'm just wrecked out as I cry. I miss him. I remember that time well and it was all so Jesus. It was the Bright in the sadness. I remember the phone call. I remember driving to my parent's house with a fire in me that can only be the BURNING HOPE of a GOD WHO SAVES. And I remember how my brother couldn't even look at me. How I gave him a big hug and said we are going out to get breakfast tacos.
At the time I don't think either of us realized the huge ramifications of his sin, at least I didn't, but as much as I hated the sin, I loved the sinner so much. And still do. We ended up going to see Burning Spear at a matinee. Probably not the best choice for two shocked, grief-struck people as we watched the missionaries go to their death and their children left fatherless. We both wept in the darkness of that movie theater.
Knit my heart to you,
I'll dream what you dream
and see what you see
Knit my heart to you,
I will move in you
and You move in me.
The words I spoke to my brother over coffee and breakfast tacos were all from Jesus. His grace, His love, His forgiveness, His deliverance. Tim still had/has a long road to go, we all did then, but in that moment I was just so grateful God made me available to be there with him.
It's all I want to do with my life. Be there for Him, so I can be there for others.
I'll fall in love deep inside,
deep inside
Laugh when You laugh,
and cry when You cry,
I'll cry when You cry.
Remove the stone,
make my heart Yours alone.
(lyrics from Knit My Heart, Charlie Hall)
Today I'm grateful for the healing power God puts in the music that spills out of Charlie Hall's heart. I need it so much. I need the sane faith Jesus offers when counseling tells you to be introspective and searching. I just want to search for Jesus and find him. When I'm on that little raft in the churning sea, Charlie's God-breathed songs have been the hand that pulls me into the big boat of God this week. Sweet Jesus Christ is my sanity.
The verse I've been meditating on all week and that continues to wreck me out is from the first part of John 21. When Jesus re-appears to the disciples on the shore and they are in the boat. They don't recognize him at first. But then He calls out in His voice to cast out their nets. As the miracle happens, John, who loved Jesus so greatly, so intimately, yells out "It is the LORD!" He knows Jesus as the MIRACLE-MAKER, the TRUE LORD. Jesus is EVERYTHING to him.
I love what happens next. Peter rushes and puts on his outer robe he's taken off to work, and jumps into the sea! He jumps into the sea to get to His Lord! Jesus is EVERYTHING to him!
How many of us get out of the boat with a passion like that and jump into the sea to reach Jesus? Is HE EVERYTHING to you? Don't ever doubt His voice, don't ever doubt the miracle is coming from Him. Don't ever doubt His great love for you. Jesus come back soon.
Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity
Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity
Bread of heaven broken for me
Cup of salvation held up to drink
Jesus the Mystery
Christ has died,
Christ is risen,
and Christ will come again
(lyrics from Mystery, Charlie Hall)
and sing a song, sing a song.
Your name on me,
You light up my heart,
You light up my heart.
The birthday card comes in the mail from the Garza East Prison unit and I recognize my brother Tim's handwriting. With all his letters, I first feel hope at the sight of them and then my heart drops. I put it on the desk. I want to read it. I don't want to read it. I don't want to think about him being in prison.
It's a cheesy card with a painted sailboat on the cover. The card selection in prison isn't all that. He writes that he's just happy it is a birthday card. So am I.
His letters from prison are mostly deliberate; he has a lot of time to think of what to say. Sometimes they are disturbingly funny as he shares prison lingo or recipes made from vending machine food. But I hear the voice underneath the jokes. I know it's hell there.
I can tell he has prayed about what to say in this card to me. I know he fears for his safety and it's always a real possibility where he is, in the general population of Garza East in Beeville. It's not a nice Martha Stewart prison, he isn't living the life like the father on Arrested Development, kicking back in his bunk eating ice cream, thinking up spiritual tomes.
He writes and thanks me for a time we shared right after he was first arrested. "I often think," he writes, "of how you came and picked me up and took me to the movies in Austin. That was one of the acts of kindness and love that saved my life. At that point I was really done with this world but you helped me to see that I was still loved and valued by my family and others."
I put the card down at that point and I'm just wrecked out as I cry. I miss him. I remember that time well and it was all so Jesus. It was the Bright in the sadness. I remember the phone call. I remember driving to my parent's house with a fire in me that can only be the BURNING HOPE of a GOD WHO SAVES. And I remember how my brother couldn't even look at me. How I gave him a big hug and said we are going out to get breakfast tacos.
At the time I don't think either of us realized the huge ramifications of his sin, at least I didn't, but as much as I hated the sin, I loved the sinner so much. And still do. We ended up going to see Burning Spear at a matinee. Probably not the best choice for two shocked, grief-struck people as we watched the missionaries go to their death and their children left fatherless. We both wept in the darkness of that movie theater.
Knit my heart to you,
I'll dream what you dream
and see what you see
Knit my heart to you,
I will move in you
and You move in me.
The words I spoke to my brother over coffee and breakfast tacos were all from Jesus. His grace, His love, His forgiveness, His deliverance. Tim still had/has a long road to go, we all did then, but in that moment I was just so grateful God made me available to be there with him.
It's all I want to do with my life. Be there for Him, so I can be there for others.
I'll fall in love deep inside,
deep inside
Laugh when You laugh,
and cry when You cry,
I'll cry when You cry.
Remove the stone,
make my heart Yours alone.
(lyrics from Knit My Heart, Charlie Hall)
Today I'm grateful for the healing power God puts in the music that spills out of Charlie Hall's heart. I need it so much. I need the sane faith Jesus offers when counseling tells you to be introspective and searching. I just want to search for Jesus and find him. When I'm on that little raft in the churning sea, Charlie's God-breathed songs have been the hand that pulls me into the big boat of God this week. Sweet Jesus Christ is my sanity.
The verse I've been meditating on all week and that continues to wreck me out is from the first part of John 21. When Jesus re-appears to the disciples on the shore and they are in the boat. They don't recognize him at first. But then He calls out in His voice to cast out their nets. As the miracle happens, John, who loved Jesus so greatly, so intimately, yells out "It is the LORD!" He knows Jesus as the MIRACLE-MAKER, the TRUE LORD. Jesus is EVERYTHING to him.
I love what happens next. Peter rushes and puts on his outer robe he's taken off to work, and jumps into the sea! He jumps into the sea to get to His Lord! Jesus is EVERYTHING to him!
How many of us get out of the boat with a passion like that and jump into the sea to reach Jesus? Is HE EVERYTHING to you? Don't ever doubt His voice, don't ever doubt the miracle is coming from Him. Don't ever doubt His great love for you. Jesus come back soon.
Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity
Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity
Bread of heaven broken for me
Cup of salvation held up to drink
Jesus the Mystery
Christ has died,
Christ is risen,
and Christ will come again
(lyrics from Mystery, Charlie Hall)