Jesus show me how to love
There is a sadness in my heart that won't go away, as I walk through some disappointment in ministry. It has shaken me...I would be less than honest to say it hasn't. But I trust Him with all of my heart. He is letting me go through all of it, and I know some of the reasons. Some of them are hidden from me. I depend on His closeness, so much.
So why the sadness still? I want to think that the heart of Jesus is grieving over it too. I want the sadness to go away. I want to be done with it. I want my heart to be healed. I really just want to be used by Him. I don't want to think about myself anymore or my hurt.
Ever been there?
I'm thinking about all this as I drive to the Austin Stone this afternoon. The only place I want to be is praying behind the stage in the Austin High gymnasium. "I need to feel your love," I say outloud to a God I can't see. A raindrop hits my windshield. The sun is out, there are no rainclouds I can see. "Thank you," I barely say back.
I'm thinking of "Gracie", a young woman I work with. When she first came to work for us at Imagine Art, she was radiant, wanting more of Jesus. She came to the Austin Stone, but something turned her off and she never came back. In our bible studies at work, she sang worship songs she had written. Her heart for God was beautiful. Over the last few weeks, I felt her pull away and everytime I asked if she had found a church home in Austin, she said no. Then two weeks ago I see on her facebook page that she is getting baptized. I'm excited, until I realize she is becoming a Mormon. Then I am heartbroken.
Here I am, praying for this generation, and pretty much 20 feet away, two days a week, I've missed reaching out to this young woman who has been going to a Mormon church and is now joining them. How did I miss it? None of the leadership of Imagine Art had any idea. She says she felt the Holy Spirit in the Mormon church. I am beyond angry. When she is reached out to in love, she breaks down and says she knows it's weird and for a day we think she is not going to go through with it. We are praying and fasting for her. But she does go through with it. The veil of deception is powerful, trancelike over her.
The story is not over. We will love her well and not beat ourselves up for the time we did not, and for the choice she is making. We will continue to pray for God to intervene. He alone is our only hope.
I am still driving down Cesar Chavez. I get an email from Matt Carter, telling me he is sick. The next service is about an hour away. I love praying for Matt, I love being needed - I think it's a built-in maternal thing... I hate that he is sick but am laughing too...I don't think I have ever gotten an email from Matt when he is sick that I haven't read minutes later because God almost always prompts me to check my email when he writes. God loves Matt Carter.
I am walking into the Austin High School. I am thinking about my son Ben. Ben usually hates being kissed and hugged and I mostly have to wrestle him down for any affection. On our recent trip to Disneyland, we all went on the Indiana Jones ride. It scared him to death and as I watched him with his head down the whole way, all I could do was pray for God to surround him with His angels and take away the fear. I felt so guilty for agreeing with Steve that he was old enough to go on it.
After we get off the ride, Ben holds my hand. He holds on all the way through the exit of the ride, all the way out into the park. He holds on to it for another good five minutes as we watch fireworks. I have tears in my eyes as we stand in silence, I want that moment to last forever. I want it so much because I know there will be a day he won't need me like that anymore.
I'm sitting on the floor behind the stage in the dark, alone with the God I love. I'm so thanking Him that this morning I got to pray with 3 college freshman girls, Callie, Emily and Casey as they start out at UT. I am so thankful the college students are back, what joy to see them fill the halls of the Austin High. This is a huge part of why I'm at the Austin Stone, I know it well. And it's healing my heart.
I'm listening to Rain Down over and over. I'm thinking of the one raindrop on my windshield and I am wanting a flood of God's love to hit that gym tonight. Begging for it. I'm picturing the gym filled soon with students. And I'm thinking of how in a little over a month, I will be interceding with some others for 13,000 - probably more - college students in Mexico City with Passion. It's more than overwhelming. It will be all God, I will have nothing to do with it because there is nothing of me left. But I'm going to be available and I'm going to be brave. That's all I got. He will do it.
I get up and anoint the stage with some Urban Decay lipgloss because, speaking of, it's all I got. Then I go back behind the stage; I have a few minutes to pray before the doors open. Aaron Ivey and his band are warming up, and the music becomes so loud I can literally feel every beat through my body where I'm sitting. They are playing something that sounds a little Stevie Ray. The loud instruments stir up something in me, and for a moment I feel like I am transported in time to a smoke-filled Maggie Mae's on 6th street where my brother played a lot 22 years ago. I was a freshman then, getting into clubs with a fake ID or sometimes just getting in because my brother was in the band.
I'm laughing, remembering. 6th Street is such a messed-up place. We are such a messed-up people. I love my city. Where would we be without you God?
One of Aaron's song is playing now, and I think of what a long way Jesus has taken me and I'm beyond grateful. How much I want to see Austin be a city on a hill for our Lord. His love for us is crazy wild. And I'm beyond grateful that I'm in a church that is about to start a vision series on being a church for this city. A church who will have weekly prayer meetings. I don't want to miss one single answer to a prayer I prayed. And right now all I can do is sit with tears in my eyes in the dark and read backwards the words on the screen over the stage that attest to this.
I want to know what it's like to be heartbroken over those who don't care about Him. He's giving me that. As much as I can take it right now.
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
(from Hosanna lyrics, Hillsong United)
So why the sadness still? I want to think that the heart of Jesus is grieving over it too. I want the sadness to go away. I want to be done with it. I want my heart to be healed. I really just want to be used by Him. I don't want to think about myself anymore or my hurt.
Ever been there?
I'm thinking about all this as I drive to the Austin Stone this afternoon. The only place I want to be is praying behind the stage in the Austin High gymnasium. "I need to feel your love," I say outloud to a God I can't see. A raindrop hits my windshield. The sun is out, there are no rainclouds I can see. "Thank you," I barely say back.
I'm thinking of "Gracie", a young woman I work with. When she first came to work for us at Imagine Art, she was radiant, wanting more of Jesus. She came to the Austin Stone, but something turned her off and she never came back. In our bible studies at work, she sang worship songs she had written. Her heart for God was beautiful. Over the last few weeks, I felt her pull away and everytime I asked if she had found a church home in Austin, she said no. Then two weeks ago I see on her facebook page that she is getting baptized. I'm excited, until I realize she is becoming a Mormon. Then I am heartbroken.
Here I am, praying for this generation, and pretty much 20 feet away, two days a week, I've missed reaching out to this young woman who has been going to a Mormon church and is now joining them. How did I miss it? None of the leadership of Imagine Art had any idea. She says she felt the Holy Spirit in the Mormon church. I am beyond angry. When she is reached out to in love, she breaks down and says she knows it's weird and for a day we think she is not going to go through with it. We are praying and fasting for her. But she does go through with it. The veil of deception is powerful, trancelike over her.
The story is not over. We will love her well and not beat ourselves up for the time we did not, and for the choice she is making. We will continue to pray for God to intervene. He alone is our only hope.
I am still driving down Cesar Chavez. I get an email from Matt Carter, telling me he is sick. The next service is about an hour away. I love praying for Matt, I love being needed - I think it's a built-in maternal thing... I hate that he is sick but am laughing too...I don't think I have ever gotten an email from Matt when he is sick that I haven't read minutes later because God almost always prompts me to check my email when he writes. God loves Matt Carter.
I am walking into the Austin High School. I am thinking about my son Ben. Ben usually hates being kissed and hugged and I mostly have to wrestle him down for any affection. On our recent trip to Disneyland, we all went on the Indiana Jones ride. It scared him to death and as I watched him with his head down the whole way, all I could do was pray for God to surround him with His angels and take away the fear. I felt so guilty for agreeing with Steve that he was old enough to go on it.
After we get off the ride, Ben holds my hand. He holds on all the way through the exit of the ride, all the way out into the park. He holds on to it for another good five minutes as we watch fireworks. I have tears in my eyes as we stand in silence, I want that moment to last forever. I want it so much because I know there will be a day he won't need me like that anymore.
I'm sitting on the floor behind the stage in the dark, alone with the God I love. I'm so thanking Him that this morning I got to pray with 3 college freshman girls, Callie, Emily and Casey as they start out at UT. I am so thankful the college students are back, what joy to see them fill the halls of the Austin High. This is a huge part of why I'm at the Austin Stone, I know it well. And it's healing my heart.
I'm listening to Rain Down over and over. I'm thinking of the one raindrop on my windshield and I am wanting a flood of God's love to hit that gym tonight. Begging for it. I'm picturing the gym filled soon with students. And I'm thinking of how in a little over a month, I will be interceding with some others for 13,000 - probably more - college students in Mexico City with Passion. It's more than overwhelming. It will be all God, I will have nothing to do with it because there is nothing of me left. But I'm going to be available and I'm going to be brave. That's all I got. He will do it.
I get up and anoint the stage with some Urban Decay lipgloss because, speaking of, it's all I got. Then I go back behind the stage; I have a few minutes to pray before the doors open. Aaron Ivey and his band are warming up, and the music becomes so loud I can literally feel every beat through my body where I'm sitting. They are playing something that sounds a little Stevie Ray. The loud instruments stir up something in me, and for a moment I feel like I am transported in time to a smoke-filled Maggie Mae's on 6th street where my brother played a lot 22 years ago. I was a freshman then, getting into clubs with a fake ID or sometimes just getting in because my brother was in the band.
I'm laughing, remembering. 6th Street is such a messed-up place. We are such a messed-up people. I love my city. Where would we be without you God?
One of Aaron's song is playing now, and I think of what a long way Jesus has taken me and I'm beyond grateful. How much I want to see Austin be a city on a hill for our Lord. His love for us is crazy wild. And I'm beyond grateful that I'm in a church that is about to start a vision series on being a church for this city. A church who will have weekly prayer meetings. I don't want to miss one single answer to a prayer I prayed. And right now all I can do is sit with tears in my eyes in the dark and read backwards the words on the screen over the stage that attest to this.
I want to know what it's like to be heartbroken over those who don't care about Him. He's giving me that. As much as I can take it right now.
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
(from Hosanna lyrics, Hillsong United)