wholly surrendered, where i want to be...where i'm going...
It's a rainy morning in Kyle. I'm contemplating walking Scout around the pond in the light rain, taking solace in being with Jesus alone.
I wish I could say my depression has lifted. The last medicine I tried I crashed and burned on, so I'm trying yet another medicine that you have take in agonizing slow doses and build up on - it could take a few weeks - or a few months to feel the effects. I even voluntarily checked myself into a psychiatric hospital hoping they would give me the medication faster, but that wasn't their plan. I spent 24 eye-opening hours around seriously hopeless, mentally ill, suicidal people. You aren't allowed to go outside. Children are not allowed to visit. Group therapy was meditation, origami. Seriously. I carried my Bible around, slept with it on top of me. I spoke of the unconditional love of Jesus after we 'meditated' on patience as a group. Maybe someone heard me.
So instead of staying there, I opted to go the slow route. If you go any faster, you can develop a skin peeling rash that doesn't go away. I would risk it as terrible as I feel - but Steve is not willing. So I am hanging in there - this is the first medicine I haven't had a serious reaction to and I'm thankful for that. I'm also thankful I'm sleeping and able to eat. I don't know if this medicine will help yet, but I'm willing to try.
I am thankful for all the prayers that are being prayed for me. So thankful. I fully trust God will heal me. I thank Him for it. This is NOT His plan for my life, but is allowing it. He is a good God. Some have asked if there was a triggering event, or some crisis of faith that caused this. My faith in Jesus has not wavered, although the path has been overwhelming at times and I know because I didn't get help sooner, this is why I may have ended up in major depression. But it's not who I am. My identity is in Christ. I believe there are a lot of people out there, in ministry, in other life places that are depressed and just never deal with it. I've struggled with depression all of my life but was always able to pull myself out of it without medicine, without counseling. But the physical body as it ages is not so resilient and a combination of stress, lack of counseling and a really low serotonin level can cause a perfect storm to go off.
I know Jesus loves me. That He will never leave me or forsake me. He is closer than a brother. I've wondered why God has allowed this, I've been angry. But He already knows all this. I'm covered in His blood, His mercy and grace. I know my sorrows are His sorrows too. His strength allows me to go on. He gives me encouragement along the way. I have some amazing support through several people who really have walked through depression and understand it. I find it increasingly harder to talk to those who haven't experienced it though. And that's okay.
Syd's birthday is Saturday. I want this depression to lift by then. But I have to surrender my expectations and timelines. I know Syd will have joy on his birthday, because he loves the Lord and as a child has not experienced suffering and loss as some children have. I'm so thankful for that. He sees me clinging to Jesus and I believe God is using it. My dad's birthday is Monday. We will celebrate both as a family on Sunday, after seeing an African children's choir lead worship at Hope in the City. If I can't feel joy, then I can feel the sorrow that pierces my heart that lets me know the Holy Spirit lives in me.
Syd's time at the eastside camp was so special and we have seen his faith grow even more. He doesn't want me to write on my blog about him - he thinks it's boasting - but I can say that I know God has given him His eyes, His heart to see into the hearts of others. What a special gift at the age of 12. He continues to disciple his younger brother, who thinks the world of him.
This world is temporary. Our forever home is a paradise with no suffering, no pain. I can rejoice in that. I can rest in that.
I wish I could say my depression has lifted. The last medicine I tried I crashed and burned on, so I'm trying yet another medicine that you have take in agonizing slow doses and build up on - it could take a few weeks - or a few months to feel the effects. I even voluntarily checked myself into a psychiatric hospital hoping they would give me the medication faster, but that wasn't their plan. I spent 24 eye-opening hours around seriously hopeless, mentally ill, suicidal people. You aren't allowed to go outside. Children are not allowed to visit. Group therapy was meditation, origami. Seriously. I carried my Bible around, slept with it on top of me. I spoke of the unconditional love of Jesus after we 'meditated' on patience as a group. Maybe someone heard me.
So instead of staying there, I opted to go the slow route. If you go any faster, you can develop a skin peeling rash that doesn't go away. I would risk it as terrible as I feel - but Steve is not willing. So I am hanging in there - this is the first medicine I haven't had a serious reaction to and I'm thankful for that. I'm also thankful I'm sleeping and able to eat. I don't know if this medicine will help yet, but I'm willing to try.
I am thankful for all the prayers that are being prayed for me. So thankful. I fully trust God will heal me. I thank Him for it. This is NOT His plan for my life, but is allowing it. He is a good God. Some have asked if there was a triggering event, or some crisis of faith that caused this. My faith in Jesus has not wavered, although the path has been overwhelming at times and I know because I didn't get help sooner, this is why I may have ended up in major depression. But it's not who I am. My identity is in Christ. I believe there are a lot of people out there, in ministry, in other life places that are depressed and just never deal with it. I've struggled with depression all of my life but was always able to pull myself out of it without medicine, without counseling. But the physical body as it ages is not so resilient and a combination of stress, lack of counseling and a really low serotonin level can cause a perfect storm to go off.
I know Jesus loves me. That He will never leave me or forsake me. He is closer than a brother. I've wondered why God has allowed this, I've been angry. But He already knows all this. I'm covered in His blood, His mercy and grace. I know my sorrows are His sorrows too. His strength allows me to go on. He gives me encouragement along the way. I have some amazing support through several people who really have walked through depression and understand it. I find it increasingly harder to talk to those who haven't experienced it though. And that's okay.
Syd's birthday is Saturday. I want this depression to lift by then. But I have to surrender my expectations and timelines. I know Syd will have joy on his birthday, because he loves the Lord and as a child has not experienced suffering and loss as some children have. I'm so thankful for that. He sees me clinging to Jesus and I believe God is using it. My dad's birthday is Monday. We will celebrate both as a family on Sunday, after seeing an African children's choir lead worship at Hope in the City. If I can't feel joy, then I can feel the sorrow that pierces my heart that lets me know the Holy Spirit lives in me.
Syd's time at the eastside camp was so special and we have seen his faith grow even more. He doesn't want me to write on my blog about him - he thinks it's boasting - but I can say that I know God has given him His eyes, His heart to see into the hearts of others. What a special gift at the age of 12. He continues to disciple his younger brother, who thinks the world of him.
This world is temporary. Our forever home is a paradise with no suffering, no pain. I can rejoice in that. I can rest in that.