the Lord is my Shepherd
I've been a little silent in the blogosphere, with good reason.
The last few years have been full of stress, some that I brought on myself and some that I did not, and they have caught up with me.
I've been dealing with severe depression. To write that sentence sounds weird. It's not who I am. But it's where I find myself. It's been a battle on all fronts: physical, emotional, spiritual. I've given up caffeine and sugar. I've dropped 20 pounds from an involuntary fast...the kind you go on when you have to force feed yourself. I have gone through inner healing, deliverance, and had every intercessor I know pray over and for me. My spiritual moms, my friends, my family, my small group - all praying. I am so so grateful.
I went to my family doctor twice, and tried anti-depressants that caused me to hallucinate, and for lack of a better term, freak out. I went to a Christian therapist I trusted, realizing this hole could not be dug out of with worship and prayer alone as many of well-meaning Christians advised. Not that it is not part of the solution...
I sought the help of a Christian psychiatrist as well, who after several attempts I am hopeful has found a medicine combination my body will not freak out on. It's too early to tell if will help with the depression, but so far so good with side effects. I'm considered by my psychiatrist to have a "high brain sensitivity" to medicine...especially the psychotropic kind. She lovingly tells me I'm a difficult patient. I tell her I am fearfully and wonderfully made. There is no telling how my brain will react when I take something, so it's been a lot of taking medicine and praying the Lord my soul to keep.
But there is a glimmer of hope that is like a crystal locked inside a geode, waiting to be smashed open. There is a glimmer in the cave. A fighting glimmer that sees the Light piercing the darkness when I look up. Jesus is my ladder and I cling to every bloody rung as I climb. He is my life, simply. I choose Truth over experience. I choose that the Lord can heal me any way He chooses. I choose Life, even in this pit.
A month ago I would have told you there was no way I would get on anti-depressants. The Lord broke me of that legalistic view. I'm believing He will heal me with a combination of medicine, prayer, therapy, the right nutrition, and exercise. I'm having my hormones checked, and a nutritionist to counsel me on how best to effectively get the vitamins I need. When this is over, I'm believing I'll be stronger than ever. Oh He is training my hands for war.
The devil may not have my mind, soul, spirit or body. I know "what is the hope of His (Jesus Christ) calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the exceeding greatness of His power towards us (me) who believe."...from Ephesians 1. I believe.
In this valley, Steve and I have seen spiritual growth for our family. God carried us to a new church home in Austin, Hope in the City. If this church were a coffee to me, it would be a dark rich mocha in a beautiful, artistic mug. There is diversity, there is passion. They love Jesus, they love the nations and they pray and prophesy life to dry bones. It's been water to our souls, and for our boys, no words but amazing. A hospital for the sick. A battleground for young warriors who stun me with their intensity, their joy. It's been home.
I have loved interceding for others in the past, sharing words from God with others that I had no idea the meaning of, but God did. Now I get to be on the receiving end. Everytime there is a call to go up front to receive prayer, I'm almost always there. If you know me, you know I'm much more comfortable giving than receiving in prayer. God broke me of that.
This past weekend, a couple from Bethel, Bill Johnson's church, came to minister at Hope in the City. Their main gifting? Imparting joy. Check out their website, Ignited hope. Needless to say, I was at every session. After the morning service, one of the young men on their prayer team had a word to pray for those with acid reflux. I took our son Ben up for prayer, who has been struggling with that over the last few months.
He laid hands on Ben, and waited on the Lord. Then he spoke these words to him. "Ben, mighty man of God. Ben, I see you with a helmet on and rocket pack on your back. This may sound corny, but you are going to be a superhero when you grow up. And it's a humble thing to be a superhero, but a very great thing." This to my son who imagined he was Dark Super in the 'early' years of his life, fighting Thunder Code, characters he made up, telling me "He's super because he fights in the dark." I asked Ben if he felt Jesus when this man was praying for him, and he smiled and said yes. And he said I could share it with you, dear reader.
This is how God keeps me going, from strength to strength. Encouragements like springs of water, an oasis to drink from, where I press my face into the robe of the One I love dearly, and listen to His heartbeat and hold on with all I have.
The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.
The last few years have been full of stress, some that I brought on myself and some that I did not, and they have caught up with me.
I've been dealing with severe depression. To write that sentence sounds weird. It's not who I am. But it's where I find myself. It's been a battle on all fronts: physical, emotional, spiritual. I've given up caffeine and sugar. I've dropped 20 pounds from an involuntary fast...the kind you go on when you have to force feed yourself. I have gone through inner healing, deliverance, and had every intercessor I know pray over and for me. My spiritual moms, my friends, my family, my small group - all praying. I am so so grateful.
I went to my family doctor twice, and tried anti-depressants that caused me to hallucinate, and for lack of a better term, freak out. I went to a Christian therapist I trusted, realizing this hole could not be dug out of with worship and prayer alone as many of well-meaning Christians advised. Not that it is not part of the solution...
I sought the help of a Christian psychiatrist as well, who after several attempts I am hopeful has found a medicine combination my body will not freak out on. It's too early to tell if will help with the depression, but so far so good with side effects. I'm considered by my psychiatrist to have a "high brain sensitivity" to medicine...especially the psychotropic kind. She lovingly tells me I'm a difficult patient. I tell her I am fearfully and wonderfully made. There is no telling how my brain will react when I take something, so it's been a lot of taking medicine and praying the Lord my soul to keep.
But there is a glimmer of hope that is like a crystal locked inside a geode, waiting to be smashed open. There is a glimmer in the cave. A fighting glimmer that sees the Light piercing the darkness when I look up. Jesus is my ladder and I cling to every bloody rung as I climb. He is my life, simply. I choose Truth over experience. I choose that the Lord can heal me any way He chooses. I choose Life, even in this pit.
A month ago I would have told you there was no way I would get on anti-depressants. The Lord broke me of that legalistic view. I'm believing He will heal me with a combination of medicine, prayer, therapy, the right nutrition, and exercise. I'm having my hormones checked, and a nutritionist to counsel me on how best to effectively get the vitamins I need. When this is over, I'm believing I'll be stronger than ever. Oh He is training my hands for war.
The devil may not have my mind, soul, spirit or body. I know "what is the hope of His (Jesus Christ) calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the exceeding greatness of His power towards us (me) who believe."...from Ephesians 1. I believe.
In this valley, Steve and I have seen spiritual growth for our family. God carried us to a new church home in Austin, Hope in the City. If this church were a coffee to me, it would be a dark rich mocha in a beautiful, artistic mug. There is diversity, there is passion. They love Jesus, they love the nations and they pray and prophesy life to dry bones. It's been water to our souls, and for our boys, no words but amazing. A hospital for the sick. A battleground for young warriors who stun me with their intensity, their joy. It's been home.
I have loved interceding for others in the past, sharing words from God with others that I had no idea the meaning of, but God did. Now I get to be on the receiving end. Everytime there is a call to go up front to receive prayer, I'm almost always there. If you know me, you know I'm much more comfortable giving than receiving in prayer. God broke me of that.
This past weekend, a couple from Bethel, Bill Johnson's church, came to minister at Hope in the City. Their main gifting? Imparting joy. Check out their website, Ignited hope. Needless to say, I was at every session. After the morning service, one of the young men on their prayer team had a word to pray for those with acid reflux. I took our son Ben up for prayer, who has been struggling with that over the last few months.
He laid hands on Ben, and waited on the Lord. Then he spoke these words to him. "Ben, mighty man of God. Ben, I see you with a helmet on and rocket pack on your back. This may sound corny, but you are going to be a superhero when you grow up. And it's a humble thing to be a superhero, but a very great thing." This to my son who imagined he was Dark Super in the 'early' years of his life, fighting Thunder Code, characters he made up, telling me "He's super because he fights in the dark." I asked Ben if he felt Jesus when this man was praying for him, and he smiled and said yes. And he said I could share it with you, dear reader.
This is how God keeps me going, from strength to strength. Encouragements like springs of water, an oasis to drink from, where I press my face into the robe of the One I love dearly, and listen to His heartbeat and hold on with all I have.
The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.