this grace in which we stand
It's been a while since I've written about my brother, and some of you have asked how things have been. It's always easier to write about it then talk about it. I can count on one hand the people I do talk about it too...there would be more but I'm mostly met with silence or a changing of topic. I don't take it personally, who does want to talk about such an awful situation? What do you say?
But it is hard not to feel like you are the one who committed the crime. Like you are the one being judged. I know that's not true, but the stigma attached to what my brother did is pretty huge. It affects all of us in our family. But I don't judge him anymore than I would judge any other person who had an addiction. I know most of the events leading up to his fall. I do have compassion for him. Most people don't. And that could feel isolating. But actually, it only makes me feel closer to Jesus.
The last two weeks have been rough emotionally. His lawyer had been optimistic he would get out early on probation, but today we heard for a final time it wasn't going to happen.
I got a letter from my brother two weeks ago, detailing as usual life in prison. His first few weeks in the county jail seemed like a dream possibly compared to life in a state prison, among the general population. His anxiety and depression are strong and he describes panic attacks that last for several hours as he lays in his bunk. He talks about the bible studies he's a part of, and also of all the hypocrisy he sees. "I know a thing or two about hypocrisy, regretfully, and understand more and more why Christ hated it so much." A bright spot is that he has made a friend, but not someone he is sure he can confide in yet. But another true believer at least. Praise the Lord! I have been praying so much for that.
This week as I sit in a staff meeting, I check my email. There is one with an update on my brother, saying that a week earlier he had a bad enough anxiety attack that he was classified as a medical emergency. I close my eyes. I don't want to think about what that would look like. They took him to a psychiatrist the next day, which really means they put him in a cage for 6 hours until he could be transported to another unit where he had a teleconference call with a psychiatrist. He got some medicine, but lost his job of filling cleaning supplies. It was a good job, as far as prison jobs go that don't pay any money.
Now he is working on the third shift. Not that your sleep is uninterrupted if you don't work at night. The "normal" schedule goes something like this: Lights and TV out around 11 (if lights and TV get turned off at all), bunk check at 1 a.m., breakfast at 3:30 a.m., outdoor rec time at 7 a.m., report to job by 8 a.m. Work until 5 p.m. The inmates are usually given about 5 minutes to eat and spend a lot of their time for these various things standing "in chain" waiting. The rest of the time is mostly spent laying in their bunks.
I don't write this so you will have sympathy for my brother, or even feel sorry for me. I write so you know the reality of prison. And I probably paint a pretty nice picture of it. I know my brother leaves out a lot he knows would upset me.
Right now all of our state prisons are on a 3 week lockdown because of the recent cell phone finding in another state prison. This means the inmates stay in their bunks all the time. No mail, no visitors, and their meals are peanut butter sandwiches delivered to their bunks. Phone calls are not allowed ever in state prison - at least that's what we've been told. Their bunk is a 3-inch mattress with a sheet. No pillows, no blankets. Whatever temperature it is outside, it is in the prison. You are issued several torn sets of prison clothes and shoes that resemble shower slippers, a pair of socks and underwear, a towel. If you have a job you get a pair of work boots. You can order athletic shoes for rec but it doesn't mean you will get them. He hasn't seen any in the 6 months he's been in jail.
His wife is strong and a fighter, but gives herself little or no rest. She has been having medical problems the last 3 months that only continue to worsen. I don't see them enough to know how the kids are doing really. They are playing sports, keeping to a regular schedule. She says there is no time for us to visit and I don't push to see them. This is really, really hard. I haven't seen my brother since May and not because I don't want to. But I can handle this, I'm just glad she is going to see him.
I am praying. And I have hope for the future. I do know the Lord hears my prayers. Even my weak, small, doubting prayers I know He hears and magnifies as only the Lord can. I pray so much for them.
If you would ask them today if they want to see God glorified in all this, I know they would still say yes. It wouldn't be as loud a yes as before, but they are hanging on. Please pray for their faith, their refinement. Please pray for their children.
It does leave me emotionally spent a lot of days, when added to the ins and outs of a life that's already pretty full. I find comfort in Jesus, my best friend, the One who never fails us. I find comfort in the arms of my husband, in the smiles of my boys. I'm so thankful for the faithful friends I have that love me no matter what...and I do have joy, even on the days when I have to fight hard for it. And I'm so grateful for those who have encouraged me to keep going in ministry, who have recognized how much it helps me to keep doing what God has put in my heart to do. Thank you.
Probably more than you wanted to know. More than all of us wanted to know, for sure.
And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character, and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:3-5
But it is hard not to feel like you are the one who committed the crime. Like you are the one being judged. I know that's not true, but the stigma attached to what my brother did is pretty huge. It affects all of us in our family. But I don't judge him anymore than I would judge any other person who had an addiction. I know most of the events leading up to his fall. I do have compassion for him. Most people don't. And that could feel isolating. But actually, it only makes me feel closer to Jesus.
The last two weeks have been rough emotionally. His lawyer had been optimistic he would get out early on probation, but today we heard for a final time it wasn't going to happen.
I got a letter from my brother two weeks ago, detailing as usual life in prison. His first few weeks in the county jail seemed like a dream possibly compared to life in a state prison, among the general population. His anxiety and depression are strong and he describes panic attacks that last for several hours as he lays in his bunk. He talks about the bible studies he's a part of, and also of all the hypocrisy he sees. "I know a thing or two about hypocrisy, regretfully, and understand more and more why Christ hated it so much." A bright spot is that he has made a friend, but not someone he is sure he can confide in yet. But another true believer at least. Praise the Lord! I have been praying so much for that.
This week as I sit in a staff meeting, I check my email. There is one with an update on my brother, saying that a week earlier he had a bad enough anxiety attack that he was classified as a medical emergency. I close my eyes. I don't want to think about what that would look like. They took him to a psychiatrist the next day, which really means they put him in a cage for 6 hours until he could be transported to another unit where he had a teleconference call with a psychiatrist. He got some medicine, but lost his job of filling cleaning supplies. It was a good job, as far as prison jobs go that don't pay any money.
Now he is working on the third shift. Not that your sleep is uninterrupted if you don't work at night. The "normal" schedule goes something like this: Lights and TV out around 11 (if lights and TV get turned off at all), bunk check at 1 a.m., breakfast at 3:30 a.m., outdoor rec time at 7 a.m., report to job by 8 a.m. Work until 5 p.m. The inmates are usually given about 5 minutes to eat and spend a lot of their time for these various things standing "in chain" waiting. The rest of the time is mostly spent laying in their bunks.
I don't write this so you will have sympathy for my brother, or even feel sorry for me. I write so you know the reality of prison. And I probably paint a pretty nice picture of it. I know my brother leaves out a lot he knows would upset me.
Right now all of our state prisons are on a 3 week lockdown because of the recent cell phone finding in another state prison. This means the inmates stay in their bunks all the time. No mail, no visitors, and their meals are peanut butter sandwiches delivered to their bunks. Phone calls are not allowed ever in state prison - at least that's what we've been told. Their bunk is a 3-inch mattress with a sheet. No pillows, no blankets. Whatever temperature it is outside, it is in the prison. You are issued several torn sets of prison clothes and shoes that resemble shower slippers, a pair of socks and underwear, a towel. If you have a job you get a pair of work boots. You can order athletic shoes for rec but it doesn't mean you will get them. He hasn't seen any in the 6 months he's been in jail.
His wife is strong and a fighter, but gives herself little or no rest. She has been having medical problems the last 3 months that only continue to worsen. I don't see them enough to know how the kids are doing really. They are playing sports, keeping to a regular schedule. She says there is no time for us to visit and I don't push to see them. This is really, really hard. I haven't seen my brother since May and not because I don't want to. But I can handle this, I'm just glad she is going to see him.
I am praying. And I have hope for the future. I do know the Lord hears my prayers. Even my weak, small, doubting prayers I know He hears and magnifies as only the Lord can. I pray so much for them.
If you would ask them today if they want to see God glorified in all this, I know they would still say yes. It wouldn't be as loud a yes as before, but they are hanging on. Please pray for their faith, their refinement. Please pray for their children.
It does leave me emotionally spent a lot of days, when added to the ins and outs of a life that's already pretty full. I find comfort in Jesus, my best friend, the One who never fails us. I find comfort in the arms of my husband, in the smiles of my boys. I'm so thankful for the faithful friends I have that love me no matter what...and I do have joy, even on the days when I have to fight hard for it. And I'm so grateful for those who have encouraged me to keep going in ministry, who have recognized how much it helps me to keep doing what God has put in my heart to do. Thank you.
Probably more than you wanted to know. More than all of us wanted to know, for sure.
And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character, and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:3-5