He gets the last word
The day before, I ran in the local Brown Santa 5k with my family. It felt exhilarating to be in the fresh cold air. Christmas has always been my favorite time of year; just pouring out gifts to my family and friends. Jesus in a manger. Angels so happy. How crazy is that.
Little did I know I wouldn't feel happiness like that again for three years. I did have a spark of hope, a light of joy the size of a tiny Christmas light, and man did I hold onto it for three long years. Then like emerging from a pond of sand and water, I could see a little bit more, hold onto the joy for little longer periods of time. And I felt like I had a heart of metal that Jesus put in me. He refined me so hard.
In January of 2011, Ben asked to take piano lessons. We said yes, but honestly I didn't know how I would leave my house for this. My days looked like getting up by sheer force of will, and driving my boys to school. Then I would come back into my house and stare at the Christmas tree, not moving for hours from a chair. Fear held me there. I lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks.
For 3 years I stayed in the psalms, making my frozen heart believe over and over again. Throwing worship CD's against a wall. Trying to worship. Sitting on the floor under worship songs. Numb.
When Ben started piano lessons I willed myself to drive the 8 blocks to his piano studio. He was 10 years old.
Lots of days I laid in bed and listened to him practice from the living room below our bedroom. I prayed for Ben and Syd so much in those days to not be affected by my circumstances. To have joy. Ben plunked out little songs and it was water to my soul.
One day he started learning the theme for "Forrest Gump." Probably one of the most bittersweet songs ever. My heart responded to this song. My piano-playing son, he was one of my biggest vessels of healing. A gift from God.
I'm leaving out a lot here. About the many days Steve carried the weight of the family. About Syd praying over me. If you've ever had someone pray over you in the midst of crisis, you know it calms your spirit so fast
Dr. Jones suggested the book "Conquering Depression," written by a doctor and a therapist who had both struggled with depression. It was the first thing I read on depression that made me feel not alone. It has bible verses you can tear out of the book, with promises on the back of them that basically told me I was going to make it.
We all have our stories. We all have our trials, loss, suffering.
To God, the darkness and the light, it's the same. Psalm 139. He doesn't sleep. Psalm 121. He doesn't fail me, ever. Lamentations 3:22-23. He fights for me. Deuteronomy 1:30.
When I heard 17-year-old Ben perform last night, it was more than as a proud mother. It's as a heart overwhelmed by the gifts God has given to her children, in spite of so many failings on my part.
Life out of death. God having the last word. Laughing at the devil.
Emmanuel. God with us. He really is.
Our Christmas card this year has been criticized as not being about Jesus. But when you see me and my family laughing joyfully, you can know it's 100 percent about Jesus.