...and to walk humbly with you God
"Without personal honesty I can easily construct an image of myself that is rather impressive." Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel.
Have you ever noticed when you are your most impressive, you can do the most damage?
Last week I had a day when it all came crashing in. I said and did things that were pretty damaging, that hurt myself, others. And it's not okay. When I'm wrecked out like that, friends will comfort me by saying, "Oh, you are too hard on yourself." They see the hard year it's been for me. But I think the truth is, I've not been truthful with myself. When I fall, I've stopped believing there is grace for me. And when I stop believing in grace, my faith becomes low and my doubt becomes high. The lies are easy to believe. The lies that tell me I deserve things. The lies that tell me I'm worth nothing.
"Getting honest with ourselves does not make us unacceptable to God. It does not distance us from God, but draws us to Him-as nothing else can-and opens us anew to the flow of grace. To be alive is to be broken; to be broken is to stand in need of grace." Brennan Manning
One of my greatest fears is that God will not use me. That I will pray to Him and he won't hear me. That He will turn away from me. Sometimes that fear keeps me from praying. The idea of praying and Him not listening just wrecks me. I know He can do whatever He wants. Why would He listen to me? Why would He speak to me? We hope for communion with Him, but He doesn't have to give us that.
The enemy wants us to believe our sin cannot be overcome; that grace can only come to those who are trying their hardest to live righteously. We know grace isn't earned. We know it.
"You must be convinced of this, trust it, and never forget to remember. Everything else will pass away, but the love of Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever." Brennan Manning.
I want that truth to live inside me even more today. To know that truly nothing can separate me from the love of Jesus.
Today before this wasn't even a seed of a thought in my (dishonest) mind, before I picked up The Ragamuffin Gospel and started reading, God showed me an answer to a prayer I had forgotten I prayed. Once in a while I pray for something tangible. I prayed the CompassionArt album would become a number one seller. I wanted, like many others, for the charities getting the profits from it to receive a lot. I watched it get to number four in the Christian bookstore, but as time passed I slowly forgot about it.
This afternoon I ran into the Family Christian bookstore, looking for a particular book. I looked over at the CD's and saw the CompassionArt cd sitting in the #1 spot, with the words "Album of the Year" under it. I know it's all subjective to the bookstore's advertising, but it stopped me. "God," I thought, "did you hear that prayer? Did you use it?" I just stood there smiling at the cd. I could have the faith to believe my prayers played a part...I'm sure many others were praying for it to bring in money. Or I could doubt.
As I stood there, His Spirit came close to me. There was hope. There was Jesus laughing. As if I shared a secret with the Creator of the world, as if it was just He and I in that bookstore. I felt His love for me that I had been missing. Even when I disappoint him. How can I lose sight of that? I wanted to cry. It messed me up.
I don't know what to do with a love like that. How do I live out a love like that? I have little or no clue. I fail more than I succeed. But I have hope. And I want others to have hope.
"And the problem is this
We were bought with a kiss
But the cheek still turned
Even when it wasn’t hit
And I don’t know
What to do with a love like that
And I don’t know
How to be a love like that"
lyrics from Surely We Can Change, David Crowder Band
Have you ever noticed when you are your most impressive, you can do the most damage?
Last week I had a day when it all came crashing in. I said and did things that were pretty damaging, that hurt myself, others. And it's not okay. When I'm wrecked out like that, friends will comfort me by saying, "Oh, you are too hard on yourself." They see the hard year it's been for me. But I think the truth is, I've not been truthful with myself. When I fall, I've stopped believing there is grace for me. And when I stop believing in grace, my faith becomes low and my doubt becomes high. The lies are easy to believe. The lies that tell me I deserve things. The lies that tell me I'm worth nothing.
"Getting honest with ourselves does not make us unacceptable to God. It does not distance us from God, but draws us to Him-as nothing else can-and opens us anew to the flow of grace. To be alive is to be broken; to be broken is to stand in need of grace." Brennan Manning
One of my greatest fears is that God will not use me. That I will pray to Him and he won't hear me. That He will turn away from me. Sometimes that fear keeps me from praying. The idea of praying and Him not listening just wrecks me. I know He can do whatever He wants. Why would He listen to me? Why would He speak to me? We hope for communion with Him, but He doesn't have to give us that.
The enemy wants us to believe our sin cannot be overcome; that grace can only come to those who are trying their hardest to live righteously. We know grace isn't earned. We know it.
"You must be convinced of this, trust it, and never forget to remember. Everything else will pass away, but the love of Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever." Brennan Manning.
I want that truth to live inside me even more today. To know that truly nothing can separate me from the love of Jesus.
Today before this wasn't even a seed of a thought in my (dishonest) mind, before I picked up The Ragamuffin Gospel and started reading, God showed me an answer to a prayer I had forgotten I prayed. Once in a while I pray for something tangible. I prayed the CompassionArt album would become a number one seller. I wanted, like many others, for the charities getting the profits from it to receive a lot. I watched it get to number four in the Christian bookstore, but as time passed I slowly forgot about it.
This afternoon I ran into the Family Christian bookstore, looking for a particular book. I looked over at the CD's and saw the CompassionArt cd sitting in the #1 spot, with the words "Album of the Year" under it. I know it's all subjective to the bookstore's advertising, but it stopped me. "God," I thought, "did you hear that prayer? Did you use it?" I just stood there smiling at the cd. I could have the faith to believe my prayers played a part...I'm sure many others were praying for it to bring in money. Or I could doubt.
As I stood there, His Spirit came close to me. There was hope. There was Jesus laughing. As if I shared a secret with the Creator of the world, as if it was just He and I in that bookstore. I felt His love for me that I had been missing. Even when I disappoint him. How can I lose sight of that? I wanted to cry. It messed me up.
I don't know what to do with a love like that. How do I live out a love like that? I have little or no clue. I fail more than I succeed. But I have hope. And I want others to have hope.
"And the problem is this
We were bought with a kiss
But the cheek still turned
Even when it wasn’t hit
And I don’t know
What to do with a love like that
And I don’t know
How to be a love like that"
lyrics from Surely We Can Change, David Crowder Band