never tear us apart

The first song at our wedding reception was "Never Tear Us Apart" by INXS. I don't know that you could get married in the eighties and not have an INXS song as some part of your wedding. That song pretty much summed up how Steve and I met for the first time at a party; he was standing and I was there. Steve, smiling, just back from beach camp with long blonde hair. Me, wearing my "experiment with a southerner" t-shirt, fresh from Denmark on a student exchange program. This was during the stupider part of my life. Fortunately for me, Steve was unlike the other guys I was interested in; he wouldn't play games. I found this irritatingly irresistible.

Through the years, that song has come to mean much more to me. There has been much in 18 years that could have torn us apart. By the grace of God, we are still standing. And will continue to do so for the rest of our lives on planet Earth.

If you were to ask me what the biggest lesson is that I have learned in marriage, I would have to say it has been learning to receive love as well as give it. Because you cannot be a good giver of love if you cannot first receive; from God and from others.

On our first Valentine's day as newlyweds, Steve gave me a pair of heart-shaped champagne flutes from Crate and Barrel. I had expectations of what my gift was supposed to be, and this was not it. This gift was housewares. Not romantic. Let me just add here that I hate Valentine's day and pretty much have since high school. I hate man-made holidays where feelings of romantic love are supposed to surface and meet all your needs. I absolutely hate it.

There was no way that anything Steve gave me on that day was going to make me happy. I wish someone would have told me this in marriage counseling, or that I could have realized this on my own. Steve never had a chance.

I remember returning those champagne flutes, telling him we needed the money. Cold hearted, I know. Not one of my finest moments. The clerk at the Crate and Barrel thought I had bought them for someone and said, "Who would not love these as a gift?!" I really wanted to crawl under the counter. I knew then I was such a jerk but I still didn't know how to reconcile the feeling of discontent I had. I wanted to receive the perfect Valentine's gift that would make me feel absolutely loved. But I didn't know what that was.

For someone who doesn't receive love well, it's very easy to just keep giving. To focus on the other person, to tell yourself it's better to give than to receive. But I'm pretty sure Jesus doesn't want us to try to run on empty, to be givers of love when the well is dry.

I recently prayed with someone who wanted to be forgiven. I told her she was forgiven, but I recognized the signs of someone who couldn't receive it. I know them in myself and it killed me to see them in her. I told her she needed to receive God's love. That God had taught me grace was more than his kindness, grace was a FORCE of His love. We needed it to do battle, it was absolutely necessary we received it, really received it. This brought tears as she allowed herself to think of herself as a daughter of the King.

It's easy to think of grace and forgiveness as something for other people. Those people who haven't sinned as much as we have. I'm constantly doing and saying things I regret and if I hadn't learned this lesson of grace, I would be much more messed up than I already am. I could tell you things I did just last week that would make you say, "you did WHAT?!" But that's the beauty of His grace, I don't need to re-visit them. I depend on godly grief to keep me from sinning and I depend on His grace to keep me living.

Matt talked about fighting for our marriages in his sermon last night and this is crucial. Not only us marrieds, but for those of you who are single, fight for your purity. Fight for it. For your ability to receive love as well as give it. Fight for it. Let nothing tear you apart from the love of Jesus.

If you know you´re loved by the King,

Sing, sing, sing.

If you know you´re loved by the King,

Live for Him, live for Him.

lyrics for If You Know You're Loved, by Matt Redman, from Beautiful News

If you struggle with receiving the love of Jesus, I pray that you will let him in today. If you don't think you are forgiven, know that you are! If you haven't heard the song above, it's a great place to start letting him in. You are loved by the King.