everything that's beautiful
I've been listening to Louie Giglio's latest sermon series, where he talks about the struggle against anxiety and depression. How God is bigger. I urge you to listen to it, if you have ever struggled with anxiety, know someone who has struggled with anxiety, or to arm yourself because if you haven't struggled with it, there is a pretty good chance you will someday.
God has freed me from major depression and anxiety. I've written about it before here, but my story bears repeating. Around this time in the fall of 2008, I was hit with major depression and anxiety. I was dealing with some major losses in my life, the stress of living full-on without taking care of myself. In the past, when I felt depressed, I would eat sugar for the high and sense of well-being it gave me. Then I would get tired, and turn to caffeine to keep me going. My family has a history of depression and anxiety, so add in the genetics, the loss, the stress, and poor diet and I had the perfect storm going on inside of me.
In the beginning I was not able to leave my house without extreme consuming anxiety. I tried to grocery shop by myself and the only way I could do it was to repeat "Jesus said no" over and over as I pushed my cart, talking to the feelings consuming me. I was able to say yes to Jesus so that he would fight on my behalf, because I didn't have it in me. I thought I was going crazy, so afraid I would be consumed by mental illness. I felt so isolated from others, yet so close to the Father.
The LORD shall preserve you from all evil; He shall preserve your soul. Psalm 121:7
I clung to his Word, and spent the better part of three years almost exclusively in the book of Psalms. I couldn't do any bible study without feeling more depressed. I would go to women's bible studies and lose it. One lady asked to change from our small group to another because she was so bothered by my depression and grief.
I prayed constantly, had others praying. I listened to worship music around the clock. Steve took care of the boys, took care of me. My friend Michele reached out to me, calling me every day, praying with me, offered counsel, listening to me cry over the phone when I couldn't speak. She cried with me. She embodied the character of Jesus to me when many of my friends were wishing I would snap out of it. I am so thankful for her and so thankful for God for providing her in my life. My brother who was in prison at the time wrote and called and prayed, also having struggled with major depression and anxiety. So thankful for him. I had my parents deeply concerned, and they prayed around the clock as well. So did my spiritual mom and so many others. My friend Deanna took me to coffee and just talked to me when I couldn't do much else but sit there. For someone who had poured out the last seven years of her life in intercession, it was time for me to receive it.
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7
God didn't take the storm away for three and a half years. But I never turned from him. I sought counseling. I got help from doctors. At first the anti-depressants I tried cause severe reactions. Anxiety attacks, vivid nightmares, leg tremblings, limbs I couldn't move. I knew I needed help for my brain chemistry, it was so depleted from the storm for I was going through, so I kept praying for the right medication. I think I tried at least eight. It was not the only answer though when I did find the right one. Meanwhile I was diagnosed with borderline psychotic depression, which means I was on the verge of listening to my thoughts to harm myself. But our merciful God never let me go there.
The LORD is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1
When I didn't see immediate results with the medication, I hospitalized myself in hopes of getting on a higher dose and speeding things up. I stayed one night. If you have heard of or seen the movie "Scared Straight" which is supposed to put the fear of God in you about going to prison, then you know a little of what I experienced in this psychiatric ward. I walked around with my bible, in a daze, and laid awake at night with my bible on top of me, praying that I could act however I needed to in the morning so that the doctor would let me go home. He did. I was never so glad to see my husband or boys as I was that morning.
Trust in him at all times...pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Psalm 62:8
I was in counseling as well during all this time, see my counselor twice a month. She gave me many tools to help me cope with my depression and anxiety, all the while pointing me to God. Showing me I had the courage in me to go on, to stand up for myself in situations I normally would let run over me. I journaled daily, which were mostly letters to God, pouring out my heart to him. My Christian psychiatrist recommended a book, Conquering Depression, that is full of wisdom and the Word, which helped me immensely. Where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety. Proverbs 11:14. I changed my diet, and although I still struggle with lifelong eating patterns I can recognize them and fight them.
But the greatest tool I have is the Word of God. Speaking it. Living it. Singing it. Praying it. I knew I was fighting this battle on all fronts. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. The devil wanted me out of commission and Jesus said NO. He said YES to my life to follow him. And Jesus is unstoppable, undefeatable, uncompromising and merciless when it comes to dealing with the enemy. Yet his mercies are for us. I have two life verses:
Be thou faithful unto death, and I will give you the crown of life. Revelation 2:10
Because of the LORD's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. Lamentations 3:22
I am now in a place where I can war for others again. I know reading all this can be overwhelming. But there is hope and there is purpose. My sons are both experiencing stress and anxiety in new schools. Every morning before school we pray for them to overcome by the power of God. God is drawing them close, as they draw close to him. I cry over their pain and suffering, but know they are God's and He will see them through. But believe me I am doing everything in my power to help them. As Louie Giglio points out in one of his messages, there is a difference between worry and concern. I stay concerned, but give the worry over to the Lord.
I want to go to Passion to pray for those students who will be there and for those whose lives intersect with theirs. I want to intercede and pray against the depression and anxiety that would want to or is storming their lives. For the Lord to meet them in a place where everything is beautiful, not because circumstances will change overnight, but because he is Jesus, the peace carrier and heart mender. The lover of our souls.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39
God has freed me from major depression and anxiety. I've written about it before here, but my story bears repeating. Around this time in the fall of 2008, I was hit with major depression and anxiety. I was dealing with some major losses in my life, the stress of living full-on without taking care of myself. In the past, when I felt depressed, I would eat sugar for the high and sense of well-being it gave me. Then I would get tired, and turn to caffeine to keep me going. My family has a history of depression and anxiety, so add in the genetics, the loss, the stress, and poor diet and I had the perfect storm going on inside of me.
In the beginning I was not able to leave my house without extreme consuming anxiety. I tried to grocery shop by myself and the only way I could do it was to repeat "Jesus said no" over and over as I pushed my cart, talking to the feelings consuming me. I was able to say yes to Jesus so that he would fight on my behalf, because I didn't have it in me. I thought I was going crazy, so afraid I would be consumed by mental illness. I felt so isolated from others, yet so close to the Father.
The LORD shall preserve you from all evil; He shall preserve your soul. Psalm 121:7
I clung to his Word, and spent the better part of three years almost exclusively in the book of Psalms. I couldn't do any bible study without feeling more depressed. I would go to women's bible studies and lose it. One lady asked to change from our small group to another because she was so bothered by my depression and grief.
I prayed constantly, had others praying. I listened to worship music around the clock. Steve took care of the boys, took care of me. My friend Michele reached out to me, calling me every day, praying with me, offered counsel, listening to me cry over the phone when I couldn't speak. She cried with me. She embodied the character of Jesus to me when many of my friends were wishing I would snap out of it. I am so thankful for her and so thankful for God for providing her in my life. My brother who was in prison at the time wrote and called and prayed, also having struggled with major depression and anxiety. So thankful for him. I had my parents deeply concerned, and they prayed around the clock as well. So did my spiritual mom and so many others. My friend Deanna took me to coffee and just talked to me when I couldn't do much else but sit there. For someone who had poured out the last seven years of her life in intercession, it was time for me to receive it.
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7
God didn't take the storm away for three and a half years. But I never turned from him. I sought counseling. I got help from doctors. At first the anti-depressants I tried cause severe reactions. Anxiety attacks, vivid nightmares, leg tremblings, limbs I couldn't move. I knew I needed help for my brain chemistry, it was so depleted from the storm for I was going through, so I kept praying for the right medication. I think I tried at least eight. It was not the only answer though when I did find the right one. Meanwhile I was diagnosed with borderline psychotic depression, which means I was on the verge of listening to my thoughts to harm myself. But our merciful God never let me go there.
The LORD is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1
When I didn't see immediate results with the medication, I hospitalized myself in hopes of getting on a higher dose and speeding things up. I stayed one night. If you have heard of or seen the movie "Scared Straight" which is supposed to put the fear of God in you about going to prison, then you know a little of what I experienced in this psychiatric ward. I walked around with my bible, in a daze, and laid awake at night with my bible on top of me, praying that I could act however I needed to in the morning so that the doctor would let me go home. He did. I was never so glad to see my husband or boys as I was that morning.
Trust in him at all times...pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Psalm 62:8
I was in counseling as well during all this time, see my counselor twice a month. She gave me many tools to help me cope with my depression and anxiety, all the while pointing me to God. Showing me I had the courage in me to go on, to stand up for myself in situations I normally would let run over me. I journaled daily, which were mostly letters to God, pouring out my heart to him. My Christian psychiatrist recommended a book, Conquering Depression, that is full of wisdom and the Word, which helped me immensely. Where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety. Proverbs 11:14. I changed my diet, and although I still struggle with lifelong eating patterns I can recognize them and fight them.
But the greatest tool I have is the Word of God. Speaking it. Living it. Singing it. Praying it. I knew I was fighting this battle on all fronts. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. The devil wanted me out of commission and Jesus said NO. He said YES to my life to follow him. And Jesus is unstoppable, undefeatable, uncompromising and merciless when it comes to dealing with the enemy. Yet his mercies are for us. I have two life verses:
Be thou faithful unto death, and I will give you the crown of life. Revelation 2:10
Because of the LORD's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. Lamentations 3:22
I am now in a place where I can war for others again. I know reading all this can be overwhelming. But there is hope and there is purpose. My sons are both experiencing stress and anxiety in new schools. Every morning before school we pray for them to overcome by the power of God. God is drawing them close, as they draw close to him. I cry over their pain and suffering, but know they are God's and He will see them through. But believe me I am doing everything in my power to help them. As Louie Giglio points out in one of his messages, there is a difference between worry and concern. I stay concerned, but give the worry over to the Lord.
I want to go to Passion to pray for those students who will be there and for those whose lives intersect with theirs. I want to intercede and pray against the depression and anxiety that would want to or is storming their lives. For the Lord to meet them in a place where everything is beautiful, not because circumstances will change overnight, but because he is Jesus, the peace carrier and heart mender. The lover of our souls.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39