i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
Last Sunday morning we were sitting in a gym I feel I know pretty well. We were attending church and I found myself staring at the rafters above me, noticing they were now painted red. I spent a lot of time staring at those rafters, sitting on the floor praying before the services several years ago. For about seven years of Sundays, to be exact.
I smiled to myself as I sat there Sunday and thought of how far the Lord has brought me in the past few years. In 2010 I didn't think I would be part of society again. My major depression and anxiety made it hard to do anything, really. Grocery shopping alone wasn't possible. A trip to the library meant leaving the house and it took a lot out of me. I spent a good month staring at our Christmas tree while my kids were at school. The thought of having a job again? No way.
In just a few years the Lord has brought me out to a wide place and has let me look back several times at where I have come from. It took a whole lot of prayer, a very wise counselor, an amazing psychiatrist and a husband who became the hands and feet of Jesus to me. It took friends taking me out to coffee when it probably felt like they were with a zombie. I don't know when I didn't listen to worship music or when I didn't have my bible open to the psalms. These moments were not the stuff of back porch reading with my golden retriever by my side. These were moments of am I going to live today and will the death inside of me ever go away. These were moments of if I just read this psalm one more time maybe God will speak to me. These were moments of tasting the bitter dust in my mouth, of not being able to have the relief of crying from the numbness.
Just to be clear.
I will be glad and
rejoice in Your
mercy,
For You have considered
my trouble:
You have known my
soul in adversities,
And you have not shut me
up into the hand of the enemy;
You have set my feet
in a wide place.
Psalms 31: 7,8 (NKJV)
I look at the person who worshipped with all her heart in that gym, and she's still here. She still gets so thrilled to see college students worshipping. It still moves her to tears. She still loves like crazy so many people who would be surprised to know that she does. She looks at the podium knowing she has anointed it with oil more times than she can count. That makes her really smile. That it was all so worth it.
And it's that same person who can walk away knowing that her prayers that tumbled out at the feet of Jesus were heard and multiplied upon. Oh they were so multiplied. Because that's what He does. Period. Always. Forever and ever. Amen. If I could lay down on the floor of that gym again and thank him, I would.
And who knows what's next? I have a prayer talk coming up at a retreat I'm really excited to be a part of. Please pray for my words. I'm writing a skit for a family reunion. Maybe when I download the screenwriting software for that little project, something else will pour out. Never underestimate your dreams. I know the One who gives the dreams, and He does not disappoint.
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
e.e. cummings
I smiled to myself as I sat there Sunday and thought of how far the Lord has brought me in the past few years. In 2010 I didn't think I would be part of society again. My major depression and anxiety made it hard to do anything, really. Grocery shopping alone wasn't possible. A trip to the library meant leaving the house and it took a lot out of me. I spent a good month staring at our Christmas tree while my kids were at school. The thought of having a job again? No way.
In just a few years the Lord has brought me out to a wide place and has let me look back several times at where I have come from. It took a whole lot of prayer, a very wise counselor, an amazing psychiatrist and a husband who became the hands and feet of Jesus to me. It took friends taking me out to coffee when it probably felt like they were with a zombie. I don't know when I didn't listen to worship music or when I didn't have my bible open to the psalms. These moments were not the stuff of back porch reading with my golden retriever by my side. These were moments of am I going to live today and will the death inside of me ever go away. These were moments of if I just read this psalm one more time maybe God will speak to me. These were moments of tasting the bitter dust in my mouth, of not being able to have the relief of crying from the numbness.
Just to be clear.
I will be glad and
rejoice in Your
mercy,
For You have considered
my trouble:
You have known my
soul in adversities,
And you have not shut me
up into the hand of the enemy;
You have set my feet
in a wide place.
Psalms 31: 7,8 (NKJV)
I look at the person who worshipped with all her heart in that gym, and she's still here. She still gets so thrilled to see college students worshipping. It still moves her to tears. She still loves like crazy so many people who would be surprised to know that she does. She looks at the podium knowing she has anointed it with oil more times than she can count. That makes her really smile. That it was all so worth it.
And it's that same person who can walk away knowing that her prayers that tumbled out at the feet of Jesus were heard and multiplied upon. Oh they were so multiplied. Because that's what He does. Period. Always. Forever and ever. Amen. If I could lay down on the floor of that gym again and thank him, I would.
And who knows what's next? I have a prayer talk coming up at a retreat I'm really excited to be a part of. Please pray for my words. I'm writing a skit for a family reunion. Maybe when I download the screenwriting software for that little project, something else will pour out. Never underestimate your dreams. I know the One who gives the dreams, and He does not disappoint.
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
e.e. cummings