...and all their glory is like the flowers of the field
Syd is away at a camp with kids from Hope in the City this weekend. They went with kids from Mission Possible, to be 'positive campers', while the high school youth went to help counsel. I didn't want him to go. I didn't want him to be gone away from home for four days. I'm that kind of mom. I told him the kids would be rough, he would be cussed out, mocked, this would not be a happy all the time s'mores camp-out.
"Mom, I really want to go." He was so excited to go. So excited to know Jesus more and be used by Him. He went and the morning he left I had to once again surrender him to the Lord, who he already belongs to. I sang Psalm 121, with Christy Nockel's song version, over and over, for him, for the campers, for Sean the youth pastor. And I realized I possibly love my children more than God.
After he left, I broke down in his room putting away his laundry. Alden came to mind.
Alden is the little girl I interviewed for an article last year, all about how she battled leukemia and won, and her story of faith. I met Alden at her home and interviewed her on her deck, with a breathtaking view of the Austin hill country behind her, in a beautiful home with her spaniels at her feet. Alden, freckled, fresh faced, talking about her favorite camp. Alden, Syd's age, who loved soccer like Syd, and had a sunny disposition like Syd.
When I left, I told her about five times I was really glad I got to meet her. Later in my car I wondered why I couldn't stop saying that to her. I wondered why it felt like when I met her sisters, her parents, it felt like they were holding their breath. Alden was healed.
It was the first and last time I saw Alden. Before the article was published, Alden became sick at her favorite camp. What followed was harrowing months in a hospital. I followed her updates on her caring bridge site...praying hard and believing God would come in and save the day. I came to love her as I prayed for her. As Christmas approached, the reports became harder to read. Struggling with several hard things of my own, I knew it would not be wise to keep reading them but I continued to pray.
One morning I woke up and God spoke into my mind, "Alden is with me." I reached over for my iPhone and sure enough there were several updates in a row. I opened the last one, read a few sentences that confirmed what God told me. I got in the shower and wept for maybe 20 seconds. Then I turned it off. I just could not deal.
I don't know Alden's family, really. I did not read any more updates. I did not go to her funeral.
Two days ago in Syd's room my grief and anger came pouring out. "Why did you not save her, Lord?" His answer was something like because I'm God and you are not. "But thousands were praying for her, Lord. I'm not okay with this. I'm not okay with this. I am so angry." He responded, her life glorified me, her family glorifies me. And she is in paradise with me. So while I grieve I do envy Alden.
At 42, I'm having somewhat of a crisis of faith over loss and suffering. That God would allow any child to die at any moment, to allow parents to endure for months seeing their child fade. Why has this not bothered me before? I'm not okay with death. I'm not okay with praying for someone to live and having them die. Obviously why God told me He is God and I'm not. I have to be okay with it.
I do believe He gives us grace for the moment, the season. I know He is the Comfort of Alden's family. Who but God? It's the only way I'm dealing now. I cling to him, hour by hour, moment by moment. I may laugh with family and friends one moment, than crashing moments later. But the only way to go is back up when you are on the bottom. I'm so grateful for my Jesus, for my sisters and mothers in Christ who help me up from the bottom. There are not enough words. I know He will heal me completely. He won't let go of me.
I declare His truth over me. He is my strength. There is a lot bottled up in me and He is tenderly bringing it to the surface as I can bear it. Showing me just how weak I am and how strong He is.
Alden's favorite verse was "The grass withers and the flowers fail, but the word of our God stands forever." Isaiah 40:8
Our home here is temporary. Paradise with Jesus is permanent. I won't stop believing God wants us to have joy here on earth. To lavish His love on us, as one of my friends reminded me tonight. He is a good God. He loves fiercely, and my heart bears the scar of both His love for me and His what sometimes feels like unbearable love for others. Those I've lost and those I still have.
I cling to Him. I cling to Him. In heaven we will all be together forever, and I can rejoice in that. I can rest in that.